Detached Reality...

Hello world...
Are we all just products of our environments now? Is it just me, or is everyone becoming full on sell outs? It's an every man for themselves type of situation unfolding and we only communicate to get what we need. Does anyone else feel cut off or out of place? I DO! It all seems so cold and unfamiliar.... and... fake.

Is this how we are living really? or is it that I just don't get it? I'm slowly falling into that category of people that feels like they don't belong... because I don't go along to get along. But maybe it's just my skewed perspective of what is going on. Our careers and Blackberries are more important than ourselves and those around us... how can this be?

Status has always had a hold on society... but has it always been to this extent? Or did I just grow up and remained oblivious to the obvious as a child? I am trying to figure out how I fit into this mold, although most of me thinks I am one not to be molded.

Do we know what we really seek? Is it really all about the job, and knowing "certain people" in "high places" so we can claim the "American Dream"? I think we have lost our peace of mind in the pursuit of such things. I want to be successful... but I don't want to sacrifice myself in the process. Can one exist without the other? Can any of us really say we haven't "sold out"?

Maybe this is all an illusion of my resistance to the process.....

Mirror Images

I don't want to judge and I have to stop the urge. It is everything outside of myself that must exist somewhere within.

Is it me that really feels weak?

Is it me that really can achieve more?

Is it me that is afraid to step out on my own and from under my excuses?

Could that be me pointing my finger at others instead of tending my own garden?

I think at times it is I too that doesn't recognize my own beauty -- inside and out, as I speak indifferently about others. I try to create things with money, travel, and clothes.. when they really don't matter. In my next breath... I mention how ridiculous that is when I witness it elsewhere.

What I seek is to relax and enjoy all that I am, all that I have, and spread it within the world. Every once in awhile I should just turn off the noise in my head and just really be with me. I'm abundant and need to connect with that. It's time to leave home -- to forge my own way. I trust that I know me, but I feel trapped in the home that raised me. Like I have to escape-- things that don't hurt me-- but that which I must grow out of.

I'm at an uncomfortable crawl at this time in my life and I think that I'm reflecting that outward. I see how to walk... I see how to run... yet I'm not always sure of how to start the race. In my own bubble I can judge those like me. But they are like me because they mirror me-- and I'm starting to see that more clearly. The image is not what I imagined it to be-- but maybe that's the blockage that has blinded me. When I allow myself to be objective when it comes to my own actions and thoughts... I can make astounding changes.

I Just Wanna Be Successful...

There is no clearly written path... we figure it all out along the way. Each one of us has our own destiny that we have to live out. It's exciting and challenging at the same time. Life seems to be a series of transitions... sometimes with many years in between. We can't say for sure where they begin or end... but we know when we're going through it... and when we've overcome.

I am attempting to be still.

This is a daunting task when my mind is traveling a million miles a minute. I'm always on the next thing and never the present moment. I'm so into creating an experience that I sometimes forget to live them. I'm reaching for something that is bigger than myself. It's not about money or materials... I just want to feel accomplished. At the end of the day I just want a peaceful mind, a healthy family, and good relationships.

Surface shows me bills, bills, bills. That little light on my car dashboard that I swear wasn't on two hours ago. Advice to give. Crap to take. Work to bust through. Traffic Jams. Limited Funds. A looooooong road ahead with no real end in sight. ...:::sigh:::...

I'm tired of the surface. I want to break into the foundation and discover the riches of my life. That place where I KNOW I'm destined for greatness. Where I KNOW I can captivate an audience. Where all of my words make sense to the masses... where MY idea is the latest and greatest. Where my confidence is so strong that it doesn't know what ego is , yet moves in silence and screams loudly when I walk into a room.

What's funny about that statement is that it already represents me... I just can't quiet myself enough to take notice.

I just wanna be successful.

Which is probably why I get out of bed every morning and push on. There is a job to be done and a life to be lived... so I live it. Hoping to live my way into my callings. I have one eye open and one half shut... looking at my life that has always been presented to me as a pure miracle, an unwritten story, a journey that many would like to take... yet I'm still trying to fully embrace myself. It's like I've been living in a dream that was actually my reality and I'm just now beginning to fully understand my greatness. But I guess you have to go through all that to get all that.... and I'm learning.

This blog is not about boasting... more about discovering. Discovering more of who I am as I spill the words onto my virtual wall.

I just wanna be... I just wanna... I just...

I am successful...

and I'll never stop climbing.

I Stand Alone

Thing happen to us in life that we can't explain. We don't know why the circumstances present themselves and we don't know what to do with the outcome. I experienced a lot as a child and I was forced to figure out how to deal with it for my own good. I learned a lot of life lessons from choice events in my childhood. I thought that I came out of it pretty well... today I know otherwise.

For the first time I get that I'm scarred, and quite frankly I'm not sure what to do about it. I've prayed on it. But I'm still very angry. I'm so angry that I had reactions that I haven't seen in myself since I was 10 years old.. or even younger. I feel very outside of myself and very misunderstood. I feel like I always have to be strong for other people but no one has truly been strong for me. Everyone just plays their part.... and maybe I've just learned to play mine as well.

It's hard to forget what people have done to you when it's negative. I understand the concept of forgiveness, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it for this. I took all of my childhood events and buried them somewhere deep. So deep that i didn't realize it was just the thing that has fueled the very being that I am now. I push myself harder than anyone I know around me. I'm so hard on myself, and I never take my talents and achievements for what they are... because I feel like I can always do better. I'm discovering that this is the part of me that is trying to repress all of the things I've lived through.

I push myself because I don't want to be what I grew up in. Don't get my wrong... I came from a very loving environment where I was sheltered and cared for and wanted for nothing. My emotional side was not protected though. I had to understand things that I wasn't ready for. Granted, it made me a very mature person... but I'm almost responsible to a fault. I'm emotionally fragile even though I put on a tough exterior. It's important to me that everyone around me feel protected because I'm always so vulnerable... and I don't want anyone else to experience that.

I always feel wide open. I feel very alone a lot of the time... even though people care about me. This isn't a cry for help.. I don't feel like I would prefer not to be here... I just feel numb.

I push and I push and I push... because I don't want my children to experience the same... because I don't want to become what my past was... because I'm afraid of reliving it.

It arrived in my living room today.... My hate. My vulnerability. The crack in my personal foundation gave in and I became someone that I didn't recognize. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt emotionless... heartless... desperate... unsettled.

This time I don't have the answers. None of my self diagnosis is kicking in. All i can do is pray for myself and my freedom from what holds me... I want to withdraw on so many levels... but I know that's not healthy. I feel trapped inside of myself and I'm not sure that anyone will ever understand that solitary pain that I'm in today.

I feel like I'm 7 again... when everybody cares... but really only about themselves... or at least thats how it seems through closed doors and vivid imagination. For the past 45 minutes I have felt like that child again... totally unsure.. and clueless to when it will dissipate..

I'm sure tomorrow will feel better... at least that's what i hope for...

Sending myself light.

Writers Block

.... Well, sort of. Writer on hiatus is more like it. It's not that I haven't had thoughts, but more that some of it seemed too negative to broadcast. Which is not really the level that I choose to live from. I'm in a transition phase in my life right now... as many people tend to be. I guess this is my "quarterlife crisis".

I'm moving, I'm graduating, I'm progressing in my career. However some things around me aren't changing. Some of that is good... and some questionable. Just because I'm changing doesn't mean that everyone else will. I'm seeking a balance between what I want and not feeling guilty for my success. It even feels silly putting that in print, but it's real for me at this time in my life. I'm sure it will pass because what I know is that I will not allow myself to shrink to make others comfortable. Not saying that I'm above anyone, but more so that I can't continue to limit myself because I don't want my friends to feel like I've left them behind.

Maybe I'm being extreme and a bit unrealistic. Maybe I'm just outgrowing some of the things that I used to be into, or used to devote my full time and attention to.

I just feel like I'm really coming into my own now. I have things to do and see, and I really get that it takes incredible focus and courage. I'm learning to stand in myself. I thought that I was comfortable in my skin... but I see that I'm just now understanding who I truly am... the true comfort is setting in... I know what I stand for now.

I'm just getting my mind quiet as I move through this space. I'll be fine and everything will fall into place. I'm turning back to my writing... it will see me through this phase.

Too Much Media

I have returned friends... It has taken me some time to decide what my feelings were surrounding our current media outlets.

I've determined that I have a very strong love/ hate relationship with them. I don't know that I could take another minute about hearing about Michael Jackson, Steve McNair, or Obama. Yet, I can't change the channel or stop reading the articles and special documentaries. By now we all know that anytime someone reaches the spotlight their lives immediately become unfiltered. I picked the three aforementioned people to focus on because I have a mixed review on the media in each case.

MJ- Yes, I watched the procession on CNN, but something deep inside felt like I was intruding. Even though it was displayed on global television on some level I felt like it should be private. Here I am sitting on the couch during lunch watching the entire thing unfold from the freeway to the Staples Center, to the carrying of the casket and all I am thinking about is... "Wow, 3 Excursions, 5 Rolls Royce, and 12 Range Rovers". Are we mentally twisted as a society or what? We are supposed to be honoring this man's life, but we are acting like the secret service with his family. Did we really need to watch EVERYTHING?? Can't celebrities be human for one moment? Can we at least give their family respect enough to mourn alone for a few hours before the public memorial. No, of course not. We had to see Neverland Ranch. We needed pictures of the body on a stretcher. We had to go into his financial woes, etc, etc. Can't we just leave it to Biography and True Hollywood Story to give us the glory? In the next 20 years these celebrities will be hardwired with chips so we have a Lo-Jack on their every move. Seriously? Let's get over it.

On another note of privacy- Steve McNair. His death was unfortunate. His circumstances were precarious. We found out on live TV... just like his wife. Maybe we should let her deal with her emotions without the details of the affair 24/7. In a matter of hours the media divulged enough information to overshadow the accomplishments of a great professional athlete. People make mistakes. There are a million Joe Shmos out there across tons of borders that do what Steve did everyday. It doesn't make it right by any means, but it doesn't need to be made a spectacle of. This father / husband passed and all we can talk about are the hidden vacations and car titles with his name on it. What happened to minding our business? People will always want to know things... but it doesn't mean we have to tell all. If a missile is coming- TELL ME. If Bill Clinton smokes more pot in his living room- DON'T. Tell the news. Leave the reality BS for the people that sign up for it... like the Real Housewives and the Real World kids. Learn a separation. Media has its role... but it needs some guardrails.

Obama. I can't tell what the media thinks about him. All of the coverage he got through election was well deserved. Every moment was historical. Anyone can see that from many perspectives. What I want to know is what all the business is about him being a celebrity... a new fad. They act like he created that himself. Sure, we have a lot more access to the White House now that the Obama Administration has brought technology in, but the pictures of him in Five Guys and Ben's Chili Bowl are NOT from his personal camera. That's the media lens. I'm sure if our President had a moment to breathe without all of the click click flash and printed works... he would be pretty excited about it. The media should be thankful that he views himself as a man of the people. He allows himself to be readily available to his country. Give him a break. He's trying to fix our lives. And as we comment on how he isn't handling it swiftly or as well as we would like... just take note that he is cleaning up years of mess he didn't create. Give him credit for wanting so badly to change it all for us. I didn't see too many people busting down the door for his job. Chill. And remember that if you want to take pictures of him.. that's on you. He didn't ask you to conduct a photo shoot.

Lessons In Life

For the past few weeks I have been spending a little time thinking about life and where I am.. and how far I've come. I'm discovering that thing they call wisdom. Granted I'm nowhere close to reflecting on 70 years of life's experiences, but I do see how much I've changed from childhood to high school and on past the beginning of college into my adult life. It's funny how much I thought I knew about life at 14. I had no clue. haha. I've learned to appreciate all that comes with time. I thought I'd begin to list just a few things that came to mind. Most of these stick... some are still a work in process for me. I'm sure there are still plenty untapped and much left to learn....

You don't have to apologize for who you are... your beliefs, your choices, your success... none of it.

You don't have to change friends if you understand friends change

You don't always know what is best for someone else, be sure to mind your own dealings

You're not always right

You can do it... if you try

Perseverance is key

Get up early... you'll feel more productive

Learn to trust yourself

Have Faith

Count your blessings

You don't have to live through EVERY experience to know it's not for you... observe others.

Sometimes you have to step outside of yourself to grow

Take care of yourself... the people that need you depend on that

The world keeps turning no matter what you do

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved

Do what you love

Never ask for permission to be yourself

If you feel the need to change everything about someone... they probably aren't for you

It's never too late to go back to school

Life never gives you more than you can handle... we're stronger than we know

Mom cares... let her

Be financially responsible

Read, listen to, go see, pause for that which calls to you.

People do what they want no matter what your opinion.

Be accountable

"Don't take yourself so seriously... no one else does"

Your past does not dictate your future

If nothing changes, nothing changes

Don't rush past life... you'll miss a lot in the process

Stress is useless. You can't control everything. Stop trying to.

Give time, time.

Love wholeheartedly. We all fall sometimes, we all get hurt... don't let it stop you from experiencing life.

Never hold your feelings in... people aren't mind readers. Express yourself.

Find time for yourself everyday.

Never stop learning.