I Stand Alone

Thing happen to us in life that we can't explain. We don't know why the circumstances present themselves and we don't know what to do with the outcome. I experienced a lot as a child and I was forced to figure out how to deal with it for my own good. I learned a lot of life lessons from choice events in my childhood. I thought that I came out of it pretty well... today I know otherwise.

For the first time I get that I'm scarred, and quite frankly I'm not sure what to do about it. I've prayed on it. But I'm still very angry. I'm so angry that I had reactions that I haven't seen in myself since I was 10 years old.. or even younger. I feel very outside of myself and very misunderstood. I feel like I always have to be strong for other people but no one has truly been strong for me. Everyone just plays their part.... and maybe I've just learned to play mine as well.

It's hard to forget what people have done to you when it's negative. I understand the concept of forgiveness, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it for this. I took all of my childhood events and buried them somewhere deep. So deep that i didn't realize it was just the thing that has fueled the very being that I am now. I push myself harder than anyone I know around me. I'm so hard on myself, and I never take my talents and achievements for what they are... because I feel like I can always do better. I'm discovering that this is the part of me that is trying to repress all of the things I've lived through.

I push myself because I don't want to be what I grew up in. Don't get my wrong... I came from a very loving environment where I was sheltered and cared for and wanted for nothing. My emotional side was not protected though. I had to understand things that I wasn't ready for. Granted, it made me a very mature person... but I'm almost responsible to a fault. I'm emotionally fragile even though I put on a tough exterior. It's important to me that everyone around me feel protected because I'm always so vulnerable... and I don't want anyone else to experience that.

I always feel wide open. I feel very alone a lot of the time... even though people care about me. This isn't a cry for help.. I don't feel like I would prefer not to be here... I just feel numb.

I push and I push and I push... because I don't want my children to experience the same... because I don't want to become what my past was... because I'm afraid of reliving it.

It arrived in my living room today.... My hate. My vulnerability. The crack in my personal foundation gave in and I became someone that I didn't recognize. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt emotionless... heartless... desperate... unsettled.

This time I don't have the answers. None of my self diagnosis is kicking in. All i can do is pray for myself and my freedom from what holds me... I want to withdraw on so many levels... but I know that's not healthy. I feel trapped inside of myself and I'm not sure that anyone will ever understand that solitary pain that I'm in today.

I feel like I'm 7 again... when everybody cares... but really only about themselves... or at least thats how it seems through closed doors and vivid imagination. For the past 45 minutes I have felt like that child again... totally unsure.. and clueless to when it will dissipate..

I'm sure tomorrow will feel better... at least that's what i hope for...

Sending myself light.