Detached Reality...

Hello world...
Are we all just products of our environments now? Is it just me, or is everyone becoming full on sell outs? It's an every man for themselves type of situation unfolding and we only communicate to get what we need. Does anyone else feel cut off or out of place? I DO! It all seems so cold and unfamiliar.... and... fake.

Is this how we are living really? or is it that I just don't get it? I'm slowly falling into that category of people that feels like they don't belong... because I don't go along to get along. But maybe it's just my skewed perspective of what is going on. Our careers and Blackberries are more important than ourselves and those around us... how can this be?

Status has always had a hold on society... but has it always been to this extent? Or did I just grow up and remained oblivious to the obvious as a child? I am trying to figure out how I fit into this mold, although most of me thinks I am one not to be molded.

Do we know what we really seek? Is it really all about the job, and knowing "certain people" in "high places" so we can claim the "American Dream"? I think we have lost our peace of mind in the pursuit of such things. I want to be successful... but I don't want to sacrifice myself in the process. Can one exist without the other? Can any of us really say we haven't "sold out"?

Maybe this is all an illusion of my resistance to the process.....

Mirror Images

I don't want to judge and I have to stop the urge. It is everything outside of myself that must exist somewhere within.

Is it me that really feels weak?

Is it me that really can achieve more?

Is it me that is afraid to step out on my own and from under my excuses?

Could that be me pointing my finger at others instead of tending my own garden?

I think at times it is I too that doesn't recognize my own beauty -- inside and out, as I speak indifferently about others. I try to create things with money, travel, and clothes.. when they really don't matter. In my next breath... I mention how ridiculous that is when I witness it elsewhere.

What I seek is to relax and enjoy all that I am, all that I have, and spread it within the world. Every once in awhile I should just turn off the noise in my head and just really be with me. I'm abundant and need to connect with that. It's time to leave home -- to forge my own way. I trust that I know me, but I feel trapped in the home that raised me. Like I have to escape-- things that don't hurt me-- but that which I must grow out of.

I'm at an uncomfortable crawl at this time in my life and I think that I'm reflecting that outward. I see how to walk... I see how to run... yet I'm not always sure of how to start the race. In my own bubble I can judge those like me. But they are like me because they mirror me-- and I'm starting to see that more clearly. The image is not what I imagined it to be-- but maybe that's the blockage that has blinded me. When I allow myself to be objective when it comes to my own actions and thoughts... I can make astounding changes.

I Just Wanna Be Successful...

There is no clearly written path... we figure it all out along the way. Each one of us has our own destiny that we have to live out. It's exciting and challenging at the same time. Life seems to be a series of transitions... sometimes with many years in between. We can't say for sure where they begin or end... but we know when we're going through it... and when we've overcome.

I am attempting to be still.

This is a daunting task when my mind is traveling a million miles a minute. I'm always on the next thing and never the present moment. I'm so into creating an experience that I sometimes forget to live them. I'm reaching for something that is bigger than myself. It's not about money or materials... I just want to feel accomplished. At the end of the day I just want a peaceful mind, a healthy family, and good relationships.

Surface shows me bills, bills, bills. That little light on my car dashboard that I swear wasn't on two hours ago. Advice to give. Crap to take. Work to bust through. Traffic Jams. Limited Funds. A looooooong road ahead with no real end in sight. ...:::sigh:::...

I'm tired of the surface. I want to break into the foundation and discover the riches of my life. That place where I KNOW I'm destined for greatness. Where I KNOW I can captivate an audience. Where all of my words make sense to the masses... where MY idea is the latest and greatest. Where my confidence is so strong that it doesn't know what ego is , yet moves in silence and screams loudly when I walk into a room.

What's funny about that statement is that it already represents me... I just can't quiet myself enough to take notice.

I just wanna be successful.

Which is probably why I get out of bed every morning and push on. There is a job to be done and a life to be lived... so I live it. Hoping to live my way into my callings. I have one eye open and one half shut... looking at my life that has always been presented to me as a pure miracle, an unwritten story, a journey that many would like to take... yet I'm still trying to fully embrace myself. It's like I've been living in a dream that was actually my reality and I'm just now beginning to fully understand my greatness. But I guess you have to go through all that to get all that.... and I'm learning.

This blog is not about boasting... more about discovering. Discovering more of who I am as I spill the words onto my virtual wall.

I just wanna be... I just wanna... I just...

I am successful...

and I'll never stop climbing.

I Stand Alone

Thing happen to us in life that we can't explain. We don't know why the circumstances present themselves and we don't know what to do with the outcome. I experienced a lot as a child and I was forced to figure out how to deal with it for my own good. I learned a lot of life lessons from choice events in my childhood. I thought that I came out of it pretty well... today I know otherwise.

For the first time I get that I'm scarred, and quite frankly I'm not sure what to do about it. I've prayed on it. But I'm still very angry. I'm so angry that I had reactions that I haven't seen in myself since I was 10 years old.. or even younger. I feel very outside of myself and very misunderstood. I feel like I always have to be strong for other people but no one has truly been strong for me. Everyone just plays their part.... and maybe I've just learned to play mine as well.

It's hard to forget what people have done to you when it's negative. I understand the concept of forgiveness, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it for this. I took all of my childhood events and buried them somewhere deep. So deep that i didn't realize it was just the thing that has fueled the very being that I am now. I push myself harder than anyone I know around me. I'm so hard on myself, and I never take my talents and achievements for what they are... because I feel like I can always do better. I'm discovering that this is the part of me that is trying to repress all of the things I've lived through.

I push myself because I don't want to be what I grew up in. Don't get my wrong... I came from a very loving environment where I was sheltered and cared for and wanted for nothing. My emotional side was not protected though. I had to understand things that I wasn't ready for. Granted, it made me a very mature person... but I'm almost responsible to a fault. I'm emotionally fragile even though I put on a tough exterior. It's important to me that everyone around me feel protected because I'm always so vulnerable... and I don't want anyone else to experience that.

I always feel wide open. I feel very alone a lot of the time... even though people care about me. This isn't a cry for help.. I don't feel like I would prefer not to be here... I just feel numb.

I push and I push and I push... because I don't want my children to experience the same... because I don't want to become what my past was... because I'm afraid of reliving it.

It arrived in my living room today.... My hate. My vulnerability. The crack in my personal foundation gave in and I became someone that I didn't recognize. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt emotionless... heartless... desperate... unsettled.

This time I don't have the answers. None of my self diagnosis is kicking in. All i can do is pray for myself and my freedom from what holds me... I want to withdraw on so many levels... but I know that's not healthy. I feel trapped inside of myself and I'm not sure that anyone will ever understand that solitary pain that I'm in today.

I feel like I'm 7 again... when everybody cares... but really only about themselves... or at least thats how it seems through closed doors and vivid imagination. For the past 45 minutes I have felt like that child again... totally unsure.. and clueless to when it will dissipate..

I'm sure tomorrow will feel better... at least that's what i hope for...

Sending myself light.

Writers Block

.... Well, sort of. Writer on hiatus is more like it. It's not that I haven't had thoughts, but more that some of it seemed too negative to broadcast. Which is not really the level that I choose to live from. I'm in a transition phase in my life right now... as many people tend to be. I guess this is my "quarterlife crisis".

I'm moving, I'm graduating, I'm progressing in my career. However some things around me aren't changing. Some of that is good... and some questionable. Just because I'm changing doesn't mean that everyone else will. I'm seeking a balance between what I want and not feeling guilty for my success. It even feels silly putting that in print, but it's real for me at this time in my life. I'm sure it will pass because what I know is that I will not allow myself to shrink to make others comfortable. Not saying that I'm above anyone, but more so that I can't continue to limit myself because I don't want my friends to feel like I've left them behind.

Maybe I'm being extreme and a bit unrealistic. Maybe I'm just outgrowing some of the things that I used to be into, or used to devote my full time and attention to.

I just feel like I'm really coming into my own now. I have things to do and see, and I really get that it takes incredible focus and courage. I'm learning to stand in myself. I thought that I was comfortable in my skin... but I see that I'm just now understanding who I truly am... the true comfort is setting in... I know what I stand for now.

I'm just getting my mind quiet as I move through this space. I'll be fine and everything will fall into place. I'm turning back to my writing... it will see me through this phase.

Too Much Media

I have returned friends... It has taken me some time to decide what my feelings were surrounding our current media outlets.

I've determined that I have a very strong love/ hate relationship with them. I don't know that I could take another minute about hearing about Michael Jackson, Steve McNair, or Obama. Yet, I can't change the channel or stop reading the articles and special documentaries. By now we all know that anytime someone reaches the spotlight their lives immediately become unfiltered. I picked the three aforementioned people to focus on because I have a mixed review on the media in each case.

MJ- Yes, I watched the procession on CNN, but something deep inside felt like I was intruding. Even though it was displayed on global television on some level I felt like it should be private. Here I am sitting on the couch during lunch watching the entire thing unfold from the freeway to the Staples Center, to the carrying of the casket and all I am thinking about is... "Wow, 3 Excursions, 5 Rolls Royce, and 12 Range Rovers". Are we mentally twisted as a society or what? We are supposed to be honoring this man's life, but we are acting like the secret service with his family. Did we really need to watch EVERYTHING?? Can't celebrities be human for one moment? Can we at least give their family respect enough to mourn alone for a few hours before the public memorial. No, of course not. We had to see Neverland Ranch. We needed pictures of the body on a stretcher. We had to go into his financial woes, etc, etc. Can't we just leave it to Biography and True Hollywood Story to give us the glory? In the next 20 years these celebrities will be hardwired with chips so we have a Lo-Jack on their every move. Seriously? Let's get over it.

On another note of privacy- Steve McNair. His death was unfortunate. His circumstances were precarious. We found out on live TV... just like his wife. Maybe we should let her deal with her emotions without the details of the affair 24/7. In a matter of hours the media divulged enough information to overshadow the accomplishments of a great professional athlete. People make mistakes. There are a million Joe Shmos out there across tons of borders that do what Steve did everyday. It doesn't make it right by any means, but it doesn't need to be made a spectacle of. This father / husband passed and all we can talk about are the hidden vacations and car titles with his name on it. What happened to minding our business? People will always want to know things... but it doesn't mean we have to tell all. If a missile is coming- TELL ME. If Bill Clinton smokes more pot in his living room- DON'T. Tell the news. Leave the reality BS for the people that sign up for it... like the Real Housewives and the Real World kids. Learn a separation. Media has its role... but it needs some guardrails.

Obama. I can't tell what the media thinks about him. All of the coverage he got through election was well deserved. Every moment was historical. Anyone can see that from many perspectives. What I want to know is what all the business is about him being a celebrity... a new fad. They act like he created that himself. Sure, we have a lot more access to the White House now that the Obama Administration has brought technology in, but the pictures of him in Five Guys and Ben's Chili Bowl are NOT from his personal camera. That's the media lens. I'm sure if our President had a moment to breathe without all of the click click flash and printed works... he would be pretty excited about it. The media should be thankful that he views himself as a man of the people. He allows himself to be readily available to his country. Give him a break. He's trying to fix our lives. And as we comment on how he isn't handling it swiftly or as well as we would like... just take note that he is cleaning up years of mess he didn't create. Give him credit for wanting so badly to change it all for us. I didn't see too many people busting down the door for his job. Chill. And remember that if you want to take pictures of him.. that's on you. He didn't ask you to conduct a photo shoot.

Lessons In Life

For the past few weeks I have been spending a little time thinking about life and where I am.. and how far I've come. I'm discovering that thing they call wisdom. Granted I'm nowhere close to reflecting on 70 years of life's experiences, but I do see how much I've changed from childhood to high school and on past the beginning of college into my adult life. It's funny how much I thought I knew about life at 14. I had no clue. haha. I've learned to appreciate all that comes with time. I thought I'd begin to list just a few things that came to mind. Most of these stick... some are still a work in process for me. I'm sure there are still plenty untapped and much left to learn....

You don't have to apologize for who you are... your beliefs, your choices, your success... none of it.

You don't have to change friends if you understand friends change

You don't always know what is best for someone else, be sure to mind your own dealings

You're not always right

You can do it... if you try

Perseverance is key

Get up early... you'll feel more productive

Learn to trust yourself

Have Faith

Count your blessings

You don't have to live through EVERY experience to know it's not for you... observe others.

Sometimes you have to step outside of yourself to grow

Take care of yourself... the people that need you depend on that

The world keeps turning no matter what you do

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved

Do what you love

Never ask for permission to be yourself

If you feel the need to change everything about someone... they probably aren't for you

It's never too late to go back to school

Life never gives you more than you can handle... we're stronger than we know

Mom cares... let her

Be financially responsible

Read, listen to, go see, pause for that which calls to you.

People do what they want no matter what your opinion.

Be accountable

"Don't take yourself so seriously... no one else does"

Your past does not dictate your future

If nothing changes, nothing changes

Don't rush past life... you'll miss a lot in the process

Stress is useless. You can't control everything. Stop trying to.

Give time, time.

Love wholeheartedly. We all fall sometimes, we all get hurt... don't let it stop you from experiencing life.

Never hold your feelings in... people aren't mind readers. Express yourself.

Find time for yourself everyday.

Never stop learning.

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

The music stopped yesterday.
Michael Jackson, the best known entertainer of my lifetime departed this life.
It gave me pause for thought in many ways.
For one, we all know that he was a musical genious and his talent and ability to move every nation to their feet trancended all that we have ever known. I'm not sure that there will be another performer to match that as long as I live. Many will try, I'm just not sure that any will compare to the legend that is Michael.
I had mixed emotions when the news hit yesterday evening. For one... DISBELIEF. With everything we have seen and heard about MJ over the years, this just wasn't one of the headlines you expected to see so soon. But on the other hand, maybe subconsciously we did.
I think his death calls for sadness and rejoicing. Sadness for obvious reasons. It hurts to lose such a force. Especially one that proved to the world that anything was possible. He captured the W-O-R-L-D through his art. That's nothing to dismiss lightly.

His passing also calls for rejoicing because now he's free from his shadows. Michael lived his life to the fullest, but he was forced to create a surreal world that in many cases only he understood.
MJ had no childhood. He achieved mega success at an early age and it never dissipated. His housemate for years was a monkey that he shared space with in an extreme gated community. His ENTIRE life was dedicated to the stage. No privacy. No escape.

It made me start to think about the balance of life. Can we really "have it all" Or does the universe find ways of balancing us out so that we truly remain human and equal? Of course we know that no one is perfect, but can we really have extreme success with minimal vices?
It's the same question that I reference when I think about extremely smart individuals. They are genious in their own right... yet they lack social skills. Some people reach great heights but don't know how to nuture healthy relationships. Is there a trade off in this life?
Maybe the interference comes in from the development of our cultures. Privacy would be possible if there was no Paparazzi, but would "celebrity" still exist without them? Fanfare causes larger than life situations. We dehumanize people because they have used their abilities to a greater level than ourselves. We put talented and successful people on a pedestal by creating false fantasies of their lives. It hurts us all.

On our end we miss that we are just as powerful in some form. Maybe we're not singers, dancers, professional cooks, etc. But instead we are powerful motivators, excellent caregivers, philanthropists, or practical entrepreneurs. We dim our own lights while we miss that we are one in the same. On the end of the very successful person that we have put in a superhuman category, we strip their freedoms by putting too much spotlight on their gifts. It affects people differently. Whether it's addictions, extreme seclusions, destructive or dismissive behavior... something gets lost in the translation.

How does one remain humble in an overexposed world? I guess that's part of the quest in this life. Maybe having it all is just finding peace in the noise. It's us as a society that has made it material.

When Does Realism Take Its Toll?

I'm starting to think I'm a realist to a fault. 

I take life at face value.  I don't necessarily get involved in the details of events because I don't always think they matter.  It's black or white.  There is absolutely no shade of grey with me.  Period.

It's not that I'm not open, but I feel like life is what it is.  Full of experiences, growth opportunities, and challenges.  We have the cards we're dealt and we learn to play with them accordingly.  It's not a negative thing.  It just is.  

I'm in a place right now where my reality is not all that I want it to be..  I am fully aware that I can create opportunities for myself, but my mind keeps me in a state of feeling overtaken by where I am on my path.  In the scheme of things I'm overreacting.  There are people with far more to figure out in their lives.  I should probably remain silent on the matter, but I feel the need to express until I understand.  

  I am the product of a spiritual environment that encourages me to project thoughts and actions of what I want to receive in this life.  I must say it's an easier practice to discuss than implement.

I have yet to see things just appear for me based on my thoughts.  In all honesty, I wish it would happen just to prove to me that I can without a shadow of a doubt trust ALL of my thoughts, feelings, and actions.  I want to experience blind trust.  The kind of faith that won't allow anything to disturb my peace or my journey.  I'll just know the answers without having to consult anyone else. 

I'm consumed by the matters at hand.  I sometimes can only see the bigger picture and feel the stresses of it.  I'm practicing focusing on the end result, but I find it challenging to  stop the noise.  I want to change some things in my life and I'm not completely sure how.  I try to quiet myself and listen to the universe for the answers, but sometimes it just feels empty.  

I guess this is where my learning curve begins.  I have to dig a little deeper than the surface right now.  I think I'm missing an important lesson...

 

People Forget The Struggle....

We all go through things.  And we are all in different places in our lives.  We get over things and keep moving...forgetting the experience in the process.  Then we become judgmental of others that are going through that which we have just overcome.

The other day I was engaged in a conversation that took a few days to reach it's full height.  The basic concept was powerful and it made me think about my own actions.  

Once we get through things we subconsciously think we are bigger than the situation.   When we encounter others in the same position we frown upon their "lack" of effort.   People forget the struggle.  They forget that they were once the other person and sometimes we have to dig to find our compassion to truly understand and offer that person insight. 

We are not bigger than one another, but you would think it by the way we treat one another.  I am a self proclaimed extremely emotional person.  I run through the full gamut of feelings in any given situation.  I struggle, I cry, I grow, I move on.  I'm guilty.

I'm guilty of accusing others of not doing enough to "fix" their situations because I have figured out enough to move my own self on to the next lesson.  I sometimes forget to see things from their perspective, or put myself back in their shoes.  Instead of judging I should offer another way of looking at the situation, or make a suggestion of what to try next.  They can do with it what they will, but I can be one less person rolling my eyes and making their situation "no big deal".  

Everyone has their own perception of what constitutes a "big deal" for themselves.  Sometimes it's trivial, but other times its not.  We can't always be the judge.  What is huge today may be nothing tomorrow.  We can be straight forward and blunt with people in our lives, but what gives us a right to tell others that they are going about growth in a right or wrong way?  We don't know their paths and have no idea what they came into this life to learn.  We can offer support, but it's best if positively projected.  No one needs more negativity.  We live in a world saturated in it.  Easier said than done, but worth a try.

I'm also the victim of this.. which is why I'm beginning to evaluate all the sides.  I'm no expert on the topic, but it's starting to make more sense.  This is a far cry from a "woe is me" story, but I do experience moments when people look at me and go "Oh that's it?  You are ridiculous".  Granted, maybe I am.  Maybe I am drowning in water that I can stand in.... but it doesn't mean I don't have something to learn from it.  And your way of telling me to get over it may not be my chosen remedy.  

We all have low moments.  It's hard to comprehend when people are on an upswing and forget that they have been to deeper and darker levels than you.  To deny that we have experienced the same emotions is hypocritical in a lot of ways.  "How dare you feel empty!"  Maybe it is an insult to my soul to feel that way in certain situations, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm there and a constant reinforcement to see sunshine doesn't always make the rain stop.  

We have highs and we have lows.  Maybe it's time to recognize that we are all the same on that front. 

Grow, be successful, cry, laugh, live, learn, give advice....   but don't forget the struggle.  

Your ability to relate to another may be just the thing that pulls them out of that space.  

A Great Week Ahead

You know that feeling when everything in your life starts to align?
It almost feels ridiculous to believe that life is unfolding for you the way it is. For the past few weeks I've been almost walking on water. I'm reconnecting with my friends, expanding my relationships, making headway with my personal 2009 goals, learning new things about me, and finally seeing a little extra light at work.

Everything that I've been asking for from the universe is slowly coming to be. I feel powerful... almost unstoppable.

I guess this is the divine spirit that we are born with, but somewhere along the line bury deep inside of us. Then one day we wake up and feel like we have misplaced ourselves... or can't find any answers... can't move forward.. sinking into depression and sadness. We lose touch with who we are for a period of time.

Once we allow ourselves to be open and quiet enough... our souls emerge, and all of the bull that we have been feeding ourselves begins to dissipate. I even find myself laughing at how silly I've been to beat myself up over nothing. I knew the day would come... but going through it I felt like I was imploding.

Today... everything is right.

I'm successful. I'm talented. I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm driven. I'm just beginning.

One of the quotes that I keep posted on my wall is this:

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

And it could not be more true. Many things are happening... many things unfolding... and finally I'm present.

All I Need Is An Outlet

Thoughts consume me.  

I don't know that it's possible to go a day.. minute... maybe even a second without channeling some form of thought.  Anything I see, hear, or stumble upon gives me room for contemplation.  My thoughts are pretty vast.  Maybe it's an interest... food, sports, clothes.  Maybe it's life... growth, relationships, how certain aspects of me came to be, and usually an observation of other humans... ha.  I'm sure I'm not the only one.  

I'm new to the blogging world.  So I'm not really even sure where to start.  Usually I just share my thoughts with myself or those closest to me.  Good, bad, or indifferent.  I just crave new perspectives.  I crave release.  I need to put my thoughts somewhere.  Maybe they will help someone else.  Maybe they can influence, cause sudden outbursts of laughter, infuriate, give pause to contemplate.  Maybe they can change me in the process.

Who am I?

The life question...  hmmmm.  The world may never really know.  But for now... today...

I am an open minded, driven woman of the "quarterlife" age.   I'm in pursuit of my dreams.  Starting with my full time career coupled with my full time pursuit of my Bachelor's degree in Sport Management.  Sprinkle in some social moments and some private time to myself (with the 30 minutes I have left).  To some this is the perfect equation for overload.  I prefer to look at it as a sign of the times.  Most of us want to make something of ourselves... many of us stop at nothing.. put me in that category.  I may not always know the way.... but I'll get there.

I'm a writer, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend, a dream, a blessing, a gift, a spirit, a smile, a moment in time, a seeker, a realist, a miser (haha.. this is only funny to me), a student, an influence, and so much more.  As of today I'm a blogger... finally.  The thought became an action. 

I don't know what will come of this space that I have claimed as mine on the web.  I'll give it a try.  I'll allow it to be my outlet.  Maybe it can serve as the same for others.  Consider this the beginning of a new chapter in my life... I can't wait to share.