I Just Wanna Be Successful...

There is no clearly written path... we figure it all out along the way. Each one of us has our own destiny that we have to live out. It's exciting and challenging at the same time. Life seems to be a series of transitions... sometimes with many years in between. We can't say for sure where they begin or end... but we know when we're going through it... and when we've overcome.

I am attempting to be still.

This is a daunting task when my mind is traveling a million miles a minute. I'm always on the next thing and never the present moment. I'm so into creating an experience that I sometimes forget to live them. I'm reaching for something that is bigger than myself. It's not about money or materials... I just want to feel accomplished. At the end of the day I just want a peaceful mind, a healthy family, and good relationships.

Surface shows me bills, bills, bills. That little light on my car dashboard that I swear wasn't on two hours ago. Advice to give. Crap to take. Work to bust through. Traffic Jams. Limited Funds. A looooooong road ahead with no real end in sight. ...:::sigh:::...

I'm tired of the surface. I want to break into the foundation and discover the riches of my life. That place where I KNOW I'm destined for greatness. Where I KNOW I can captivate an audience. Where all of my words make sense to the masses... where MY idea is the latest and greatest. Where my confidence is so strong that it doesn't know what ego is , yet moves in silence and screams loudly when I walk into a room.

What's funny about that statement is that it already represents me... I just can't quiet myself enough to take notice.

I just wanna be successful.

Which is probably why I get out of bed every morning and push on. There is a job to be done and a life to be lived... so I live it. Hoping to live my way into my callings. I have one eye open and one half shut... looking at my life that has always been presented to me as a pure miracle, an unwritten story, a journey that many would like to take... yet I'm still trying to fully embrace myself. It's like I've been living in a dream that was actually my reality and I'm just now beginning to fully understand my greatness. But I guess you have to go through all that to get all that.... and I'm learning.

This blog is not about boasting... more about discovering. Discovering more of who I am as I spill the words onto my virtual wall.

I just wanna be... I just wanna... I just...

I am successful...

and I'll never stop climbing.

I Stand Alone

Thing happen to us in life that we can't explain. We don't know why the circumstances present themselves and we don't know what to do with the outcome. I experienced a lot as a child and I was forced to figure out how to deal with it for my own good. I learned a lot of life lessons from choice events in my childhood. I thought that I came out of it pretty well... today I know otherwise.

For the first time I get that I'm scarred, and quite frankly I'm not sure what to do about it. I've prayed on it. But I'm still very angry. I'm so angry that I had reactions that I haven't seen in myself since I was 10 years old.. or even younger. I feel very outside of myself and very misunderstood. I feel like I always have to be strong for other people but no one has truly been strong for me. Everyone just plays their part.... and maybe I've just learned to play mine as well.

It's hard to forget what people have done to you when it's negative. I understand the concept of forgiveness, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it for this. I took all of my childhood events and buried them somewhere deep. So deep that i didn't realize it was just the thing that has fueled the very being that I am now. I push myself harder than anyone I know around me. I'm so hard on myself, and I never take my talents and achievements for what they are... because I feel like I can always do better. I'm discovering that this is the part of me that is trying to repress all of the things I've lived through.

I push myself because I don't want to be what I grew up in. Don't get my wrong... I came from a very loving environment where I was sheltered and cared for and wanted for nothing. My emotional side was not protected though. I had to understand things that I wasn't ready for. Granted, it made me a very mature person... but I'm almost responsible to a fault. I'm emotionally fragile even though I put on a tough exterior. It's important to me that everyone around me feel protected because I'm always so vulnerable... and I don't want anyone else to experience that.

I always feel wide open. I feel very alone a lot of the time... even though people care about me. This isn't a cry for help.. I don't feel like I would prefer not to be here... I just feel numb.

I push and I push and I push... because I don't want my children to experience the same... because I don't want to become what my past was... because I'm afraid of reliving it.

It arrived in my living room today.... My hate. My vulnerability. The crack in my personal foundation gave in and I became someone that I didn't recognize. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt emotionless... heartless... desperate... unsettled.

This time I don't have the answers. None of my self diagnosis is kicking in. All i can do is pray for myself and my freedom from what holds me... I want to withdraw on so many levels... but I know that's not healthy. I feel trapped inside of myself and I'm not sure that anyone will ever understand that solitary pain that I'm in today.

I feel like I'm 7 again... when everybody cares... but really only about themselves... or at least thats how it seems through closed doors and vivid imagination. For the past 45 minutes I have felt like that child again... totally unsure.. and clueless to when it will dissipate..

I'm sure tomorrow will feel better... at least that's what i hope for...

Sending myself light.

Writers Block

.... Well, sort of. Writer on hiatus is more like it. It's not that I haven't had thoughts, but more that some of it seemed too negative to broadcast. Which is not really the level that I choose to live from. I'm in a transition phase in my life right now... as many people tend to be. I guess this is my "quarterlife crisis".

I'm moving, I'm graduating, I'm progressing in my career. However some things around me aren't changing. Some of that is good... and some questionable. Just because I'm changing doesn't mean that everyone else will. I'm seeking a balance between what I want and not feeling guilty for my success. It even feels silly putting that in print, but it's real for me at this time in my life. I'm sure it will pass because what I know is that I will not allow myself to shrink to make others comfortable. Not saying that I'm above anyone, but more so that I can't continue to limit myself because I don't want my friends to feel like I've left them behind.

Maybe I'm being extreme and a bit unrealistic. Maybe I'm just outgrowing some of the things that I used to be into, or used to devote my full time and attention to.

I just feel like I'm really coming into my own now. I have things to do and see, and I really get that it takes incredible focus and courage. I'm learning to stand in myself. I thought that I was comfortable in my skin... but I see that I'm just now understanding who I truly am... the true comfort is setting in... I know what I stand for now.

I'm just getting my mind quiet as I move through this space. I'll be fine and everything will fall into place. I'm turning back to my writing... it will see me through this phase.